If you are friends with us on the social network. You already know what happen, however, I still want to write about it for future reference. One day, I can re-read this blog and enjoy and/or share the moment. If you been following this blog, the last thing Anna wrote about is the steps on Adoption.
We have been waiting on the baby since August. Many fund raiser events had help us cover various expenses we occur during this process. As clock ticking each day to get closer to the expected due date (December 3, 2012). We are more anxious to get everything ready. Anna is finishing with the mural and getting furniture ready. We had our carpet clean since we have two dogs in the house. As friends told us "You will never truly be ready for the baby." I guess they are right, things seen never ending, one after another.
As time getting closer to Thanksgiving, our focus is somewhat shifted to the holiday spirit. Dinner with friends and family: Turkey, dressing, pecan pie... etc are just some of the few things we look forward around this time of the year. With the December 3 due date, we know we need to prepare but we can spare ourself for one last holiday before the baby arrive...or so I thought
On November 13, 2012, the day start just like any other one. The only unusual thing is training all week. I signed up for this training months ago. There are couple things I was really looking forward learning. The only bad things is the traffic, I have not drive to Atlanta for over an year. It did took me over an hour to get home. Anyway, it was worth it. The same day, Anna had to baby sit the two little girls down the road, it was an eventful day for her because both of the girl are sick. Anna did not feel well by the time she came home. I volunteer to cook dinner that night, so she can have time to rest. By the time dinner finish, she continue to get worse as the night goes on. I did what every husband would have done: Clear up the kitchen after dinner. I was almost done with dishes and I was looking forward playing my new PS3 game (Assassin Creed III), I hear Anna ran down the stair with her cell phone on her ear. She was trying to get my attention, of course I have no idea what she is trying to tell me. Then she start to make a motion of a round belly like someone is pregnant. Well, believe it or not, my first thought is someone is having a baby, so I ask: "Who is having a baby?" Then Anna is starting point at us. My thought sink. By the time Anna got off the phone, I found out our birth mom's water is leaking and she is 2cm dilated. My mind had sped up to 1000 miles per hour, I need to stay clam and get an handle of the situation. By this time, I already have the fight ticket, hotel room reserved. They are all adjustable in case the baby came early or late. But once I set everything in motion, there is no going back. At the same time, Anna is starting to pack with the mind set that our baby MAY be here sooner than we things. I made a Wal-Mart run to pick up a few things we need for the trip and call family and friends to notify them what just happen.
With 2cm dilated...what is that mean. I google it and I found different answer. Some lady don't gave birth til at least weeks later and some a few days later. With that information, we may cut a short break. But better be ready just in case. I guess with the phone call. Adrenaline kicks in and Anna just keep moving to get us ready. @12:30, we are both exhausted. So, we went to bed. Around 4:30, Anna woke me up from a deep sleep: "Are you ready? You will be a daddy in 10 minutes!! " What? 10 minutes?? What about the weeks and days I found on the Internet? By that time. The birth mom already 10cm dilated and she is about to push in 10 minutes. Anna told me: "Let's get some sleep and we can worry about it in couple hours!". Are you crazy? How in the world can I go back to sleep after you drop that kind of bomb on me. With that information, I have to get all the things lines up in order for us to leave. God is great. Everything line up exactly the way it needed. We got a flight to Chicago that afternoon, move our hotel reservation, made a car reservation and rescheduled my training.
I am glad Anna was almost finish packing the night before. We finalize a few things around the house since we will be gone for a while with Thanksgiving holiday coming up next week. We also try to pack as light as possible so we can move around the airport easier especially we will have the little one with us on our way back. With all that in mind, off we go to Chicago and bring our son home!!!
Showing posts with label Thoughts From Gary.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts From Gary.... Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
East Meet West
After all the craziness we gone thru in early part of 2011 - We were done. The Dr. cannot find anything wrong with us and our life do not seem to be going anywhere. My parents have always suggested acupuncture, we really don't have much to lose at that time. So we decided to give it a try, we were able to find a great acupuncturist in town. We went to see her and she was really optimistic about our problem and believe she can help us. We went to see her weekly and took different types of herbal medicine along with the treatment. We begin to feeling better, we start to have more energy everyday. We know Chinese medicine take time, that's one thing is different than western medicine. Three months gone by, even the Dr. has problem understand why we could not get pregnant. She keep saying it should have worked by now... really. That's not really comforting for you to doubt the treatment. It is easy for you to say it is not working. I am the one who is paying for it. Only thing that for certain is we both feel great. We have not felt like that in a long time, may be our body did get better without us knowing it. Maybe we should give infertility treatment one more try with our body feeling better!!!
At the same time, I was lucky enough to land a new job in town. It was closer to home and I was able to spend more time with Anna. The best part is the new insurance covered part of the infertility treatment. Maybe that's our sign that we should give it a try again. Therefore, we decided to go see a different Dr. Surely we can't go back to the same Dr. that told me "I don't know!" Once again, the new Dr. was optimistic. She looks at our previous records, and instantly points out a few things she would have done differently. She also point out since Anna have PCOS, the whole treatment should have been done differently. Finally, someone told us something is wrong. Anyway, she believe that we should try IUI again since the insurance is covering it. She also wanted Anna start taking Metformin and Letrozole for the treatment. What really worries me is the side effect attached to Letrozole. This is a medicine designed for breast cancer patients and the reason to use that drug is one of the side effect is to help infertility treatment. Again, even with the risk, we keep telling ourself it will be worth it in the end.
The only difference about this time is that both of our body feel great and some of the test number proving it as well. As you can guess, it didn't work. After all the pain we went thru in 2011. We were numb about it. We were sad but it is not an uncharted feeling for us. It can't be anything worse than how we feel several months back... :(
That was March 2012 when we fail the last IUI. I cannot have us go thru the same feeling over and over again. Like it or not, a wall will build up within you that try to block you from all feeling. It is a self defense mechanism inside you. It also create distance between us. Talk about the stress on the marriage and financially, I am glad we did have a great foundation for our marriage. It is selfish of me to have us keep going. Did part of me want us to keep going thru treatments? Sure! There is always hope that one of those treatments will work. But at what cost? All the side effect listed in each one of the drugs are not makeup from nothing. Should I want to chance that? NO. Even Anna's body is taking toll from all the treatment. Easy for me to say to keep going, I don't have to go thru all the things physically like she does. At the end, we have each other. I cannot even imagine the idea of losing her because I am being selfish.
I am a Christian. My faith allowed me to go thru all this difficulties in 2011. Did I question the big man upstairs? Yes! I did it all the time. As the scripture said: "...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Maybe my faith is smaller than a mustard seed. It is not a easy task to follow Christ daily when you gone thru what we had the last year. I know many of you out there have a much harder situation then we do. I am not discounting the fact that we are blessed in many ways, I have a wonderful/ beautiful wife to go home to everyday. We have a roof over our head, a great job and three meals a day without problem. I never say I was perfect. It is just a natural progression in life want to move forward in life.
One thing for certain, we both love children and we both know we will become parents one day. God is faithful. He will not place a desire in your heart without He fulfill his promise. At this point, it seem the only way for us to grow our family is thru adoption. It is my desire that I will have a heart big enough to love other children like my own. A newborn is the greatest blessing one can give another person. We look forward to share this Journey with each one of you.
Our God is awesome. You will never know what He has in store for our life, but we are looking forward to it.
At the same time, I was lucky enough to land a new job in town. It was closer to home and I was able to spend more time with Anna. The best part is the new insurance covered part of the infertility treatment. Maybe that's our sign that we should give it a try again. Therefore, we decided to go see a different Dr. Surely we can't go back to the same Dr. that told me "I don't know!" Once again, the new Dr. was optimistic. She looks at our previous records, and instantly points out a few things she would have done differently. She also point out since Anna have PCOS, the whole treatment should have been done differently. Finally, someone told us something is wrong. Anyway, she believe that we should try IUI again since the insurance is covering it. She also wanted Anna start taking Metformin and Letrozole for the treatment. What really worries me is the side effect attached to Letrozole. This is a medicine designed for breast cancer patients and the reason to use that drug is one of the side effect is to help infertility treatment. Again, even with the risk, we keep telling ourself it will be worth it in the end.
The only difference about this time is that both of our body feel great and some of the test number proving it as well. As you can guess, it didn't work. After all the pain we went thru in 2011. We were numb about it. We were sad but it is not an uncharted feeling for us. It can't be anything worse than how we feel several months back... :(
That was March 2012 when we fail the last IUI. I cannot have us go thru the same feeling over and over again. Like it or not, a wall will build up within you that try to block you from all feeling. It is a self defense mechanism inside you. It also create distance between us. Talk about the stress on the marriage and financially, I am glad we did have a great foundation for our marriage. It is selfish of me to have us keep going. Did part of me want us to keep going thru treatments? Sure! There is always hope that one of those treatments will work. But at what cost? All the side effect listed in each one of the drugs are not makeup from nothing. Should I want to chance that? NO. Even Anna's body is taking toll from all the treatment. Easy for me to say to keep going, I don't have to go thru all the things physically like she does. At the end, we have each other. I cannot even imagine the idea of losing her because I am being selfish.
I am a Christian. My faith allowed me to go thru all this difficulties in 2011. Did I question the big man upstairs? Yes! I did it all the time. As the scripture said: "...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Maybe my faith is smaller than a mustard seed. It is not a easy task to follow Christ daily when you gone thru what we had the last year. I know many of you out there have a much harder situation then we do. I am not discounting the fact that we are blessed in many ways, I have a wonderful/ beautiful wife to go home to everyday. We have a roof over our head, a great job and three meals a day without problem. I never say I was perfect. It is just a natural progression in life want to move forward in life.
One thing for certain, we both love children and we both know we will become parents one day. God is faithful. He will not place a desire in your heart without He fulfill his promise. At this point, it seem the only way for us to grow our family is thru adoption. It is my desire that I will have a heart big enough to love other children like my own. A newborn is the greatest blessing one can give another person. We look forward to share this Journey with each one of you.
Our God is awesome. You will never know what He has in store for our life, but we are looking forward to it.
In the Beginning...
All stories have to start some where. As you can read from About us, we meet in school and fall in love about a year later. As a guy, all you can think of is to do your best and try to take care of her as you promise her dad, when you ask him for permission to marry his daughter. I did just that, I worked my tail off and try to give her the best life I can possibly provide her. We traveled to many different places in the few years we are together: Hong Kong, Canada, China, Jamaica and different states within the US. We are truly bless. As time goes on, it is only natural for us want to expand our family. Little did we know there would be a hurdle that have in store for us...
At the first several years, we did not think about it too much. With the 5% odd, we are thinking it will be better luck next time. As months passed by, we start to think what happen? Is there something wrong with us? People around us are getting pregnant left and right. It was not an easy task to help Anna thru all the "Great News". We did manage, and better luck next time...right?
In 2010, we decided that we needed help, it is not working on our own. At first, we have to go thru all the testing, it was not fun but we both knew it will be worth it in the end. Test after test, they all come back normal. (That was the only good news!!!) Dr. suggest we should start with IUI, which is the cheapest and the simplest procedure for people having problem with fertility. With our data, he don't have reason to believe it won't work. Two round of IUI later, we both heart broken and feel hopeless. At the point, Dr. think we should take a more aggressive approach -- IVF. At the same time, I started to think Anna's school have something to do with it. She had been a teacher for 10 years. The stress from school is not helping and even with our income cut in half I think it is necessary for her to stop teaching. She knew people who got pregnant after they quit teaching within the year. Many couples also have great successful stories from IVF. If we decide to spend that much money on the treatment, I want to have the highest chance for it to work. So, we set the target day for August, and decided this is her last year of teaching.
As August rolls around, emotion are high. With everything are normal on both of us, surely this will work. There are many shots and pills she have to take to just have to get her body ready for the procedure. To me, it wasn't easy that I have to give her the shot every night. It is not so much to poke her with a needle that bothers me, it is the pain and suffer that she is going thru that really bothers me. As always, I keep telling her and myself that the outcome will well be worth it. The egg retrieval surgery went smoothly. They got 13 eggs. Not as much as the Dr wanted, but she did say it is good enough. Then it come the first part of the waiting game. After the embryos are created, we have to wait for 5 days for it to grow. On the day of implantation, we only have 2 embryo available. Really?? 2 out of 13? That's only about 15%, once again, the Dr. said don't worry because one of the embryo is A+ rating. It is almost a guarantee that it will work. If you open a book on embryo ours will be it. We were excited. Finally, something is going our way. They even strongly suggested against to place two embryo instead of one since the first one is A+ rating. So we decided to just one. As soon as they place the embryo, they told Anna: Congratulations, you are now two weeks pregnant!!! You have no idea how happy I was, after all the years of trying. That's one of the sentences you want to hear the most. Now come the second part of the waiting game, two weeks to ensure the body is taking in the embryo. Nightly shot is required to ensure there is enough hormones for the embryo since her body does not know she is pregnant.
Two weeks gone by like a year. I took care of her every step of the way as she is pregnant. I can't not help myself but looking forward to the coming nine months.. decorate the baby room...etc. You know. All the things you want to do as a first time parents. I can remember that day she goes for her two week check up like it was yesterday. I was out to lunch with a group of guys. I ensure Anna don't have to worry about it too much, A+ embryo and we did the shot the same time every night. It can only be good news. Nothing to worry. Dr. will just give us a yes and we will move forward in our life. I was nervous but hopeful. My phone ring as I just placed my order for lunch. As soon as I answered the phone, all I can hear on the other side is crying. My heart sank. Anna don't have to tell me anything and I can already guess what happen. I don't think there is a word in the English dictionary can describe how I feel at that moment. The worst part is that I don't know what to say to make her feel better. Heck! I don't even have word to me feel better much less try to help her. I just wanted to go home to be with her. But I rode with someone else to lunch. I have to stay regardless. It was a steak lunch. I am sure it tasted great, but I can't really taste anything after the news I got. I got home as soon as I can. For the next several weeks. Our life was dark. We lost hope, the only thing that keep us going is each other. We went back to the Dr. to get some idea as of what happen since we did have a A+ embryo. He told us: "I don't know! ". Really? After 15K and all the emotion up and down. All you can tell us is "You don't know!" Whatever, in the grand scheme of things. I guess it really don't matter what you said. I was done with western medicine at that point. I am ready to turn back to my root -- eastern medicine.
At the first several years, we did not think about it too much. With the 5% odd, we are thinking it will be better luck next time. As months passed by, we start to think what happen? Is there something wrong with us? People around us are getting pregnant left and right. It was not an easy task to help Anna thru all the "Great News". We did manage, and better luck next time...right?
In 2010, we decided that we needed help, it is not working on our own. At first, we have to go thru all the testing, it was not fun but we both knew it will be worth it in the end. Test after test, they all come back normal. (That was the only good news!!!) Dr. suggest we should start with IUI, which is the cheapest and the simplest procedure for people having problem with fertility. With our data, he don't have reason to believe it won't work. Two round of IUI later, we both heart broken and feel hopeless. At the point, Dr. think we should take a more aggressive approach -- IVF. At the same time, I started to think Anna's school have something to do with it. She had been a teacher for 10 years. The stress from school is not helping and even with our income cut in half I think it is necessary for her to stop teaching. She knew people who got pregnant after they quit teaching within the year. Many couples also have great successful stories from IVF. If we decide to spend that much money on the treatment, I want to have the highest chance for it to work. So, we set the target day for August, and decided this is her last year of teaching.
As August rolls around, emotion are high. With everything are normal on both of us, surely this will work. There are many shots and pills she have to take to just have to get her body ready for the procedure. To me, it wasn't easy that I have to give her the shot every night. It is not so much to poke her with a needle that bothers me, it is the pain and suffer that she is going thru that really bothers me. As always, I keep telling her and myself that the outcome will well be worth it. The egg retrieval surgery went smoothly. They got 13 eggs. Not as much as the Dr wanted, but she did say it is good enough. Then it come the first part of the waiting game. After the embryos are created, we have to wait for 5 days for it to grow. On the day of implantation, we only have 2 embryo available. Really?? 2 out of 13? That's only about 15%, once again, the Dr. said don't worry because one of the embryo is A+ rating. It is almost a guarantee that it will work. If you open a book on embryo ours will be it. We were excited. Finally, something is going our way. They even strongly suggested against to place two embryo instead of one since the first one is A+ rating. So we decided to just one. As soon as they place the embryo, they told Anna: Congratulations, you are now two weeks pregnant!!! You have no idea how happy I was, after all the years of trying. That's one of the sentences you want to hear the most. Now come the second part of the waiting game, two weeks to ensure the body is taking in the embryo. Nightly shot is required to ensure there is enough hormones for the embryo since her body does not know she is pregnant.
Two weeks gone by like a year. I took care of her every step of the way as she is pregnant. I can't not help myself but looking forward to the coming nine months.. decorate the baby room...etc. You know. All the things you want to do as a first time parents. I can remember that day she goes for her two week check up like it was yesterday. I was out to lunch with a group of guys. I ensure Anna don't have to worry about it too much, A+ embryo and we did the shot the same time every night. It can only be good news. Nothing to worry. Dr. will just give us a yes and we will move forward in our life. I was nervous but hopeful. My phone ring as I just placed my order for lunch. As soon as I answered the phone, all I can hear on the other side is crying. My heart sank. Anna don't have to tell me anything and I can already guess what happen. I don't think there is a word in the English dictionary can describe how I feel at that moment. The worst part is that I don't know what to say to make her feel better. Heck! I don't even have word to me feel better much less try to help her. I just wanted to go home to be with her. But I rode with someone else to lunch. I have to stay regardless. It was a steak lunch. I am sure it tasted great, but I can't really taste anything after the news I got. I got home as soon as I can. For the next several weeks. Our life was dark. We lost hope, the only thing that keep us going is each other. We went back to the Dr. to get some idea as of what happen since we did have a A+ embryo. He told us: "I don't know! ". Really? After 15K and all the emotion up and down. All you can tell us is "You don't know!" Whatever, in the grand scheme of things. I guess it really don't matter what you said. I was done with western medicine at that point. I am ready to turn back to my root -- eastern medicine.
What am I doing?
This Journey is about us, the both of us... It is only fair that I also share how I feel thru out this whole Journey. Anna will be the main one to share all the steps here and there, I will just share my point of view. If you are looking for right grammer or all the sentences sound right. You can forget it. I am just typing how I feel, I am not submitting this as a paper for grade... Here we go!!!
As a male, you are always taught to be tough, be independent and how to be successful, to be a great husband or father. But never once have anyone teach you what to do if something like this happen. So many people take getting your wife pregnant for granted. Is it really that easy, from a number point of view? You only have 5% chance each month. The number have always been stack against you. For those of us that can't make it. We asked: Is it my fault or is it hers? Does it make me less of a man if I cannot get her pregnant? NO! NO AND NO! I struggle with this idea time and time again. I don't believe the ability to get your wife pregnant has anything to do with how great of a man you are. I know many guys that get women pregnant are complete jerk and are much less of a "man" in my 2 cents. A man is not defined by something that you cannot control. Especially when the doctor told you there are nothing wrong with you and they have no idea why you can't get pregnant. I read it all and We tried many of the methods. If they worked, I won't be typing this today. When I said we gone thru many methods and idea. We tried it all. IUI, IVF, Vitamin, even acupuncture. Nothing worked. We truly been around the block. It wasn't easy for me to come to the idea of adoption. I will try and post some of our treatment summary and how I come to the adoption decision in the upcoming posts. Stay Tune...
As you can see, English is not my strong suit. I am from Hong Kong and I came to US of A 14 years ago. I hope you can understand what I am typing. In all the research thru this journey, I have yet found any post about infertility from a male point of view. I know there are many couple going thru the same things as we are. I hope this can help you a little as you reading it!
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