Monday, August 20, 2012

Roller Coaster Emotions

When we faced infertility, we were heart broken. Those were some of the hardest days of our life.  We knew God was in control the entire time, though.  He was in control when our doctors said we had "textbook" embryos and they couldn't tell us why the IVF didn't work.  He was in control the day I cried and couldn't stop.  I was mourning what I never had and that was the greatest loss to us.  He was in control when we made the decision to move on to adoption as an option.  He is still in control today even when our emotions get the best of us.

Turn the page to today and we are on another roller coaster of emotions.  We were chosen by a BIRTH MOTHER as of July.  We were officially chosen by OUR BIRTH MOTHER last week.  We made the long car ride to Chicago to meet with her.  I felt I would be so nervous and emotional that I would blow it.  But, our meeting went very well.  We fell in love with her.  She fell in love with us.  It felt like we were on a job interview and we were being told our job qualifications.  After all, there is a tiny life at stake here.  We want to raise a child that God will smile down upon and see goodness.

Most people would think (wrongly) that women who put their babies/children up for adoption are young and inexperienced.  While that may be true of some, it is not the norm.  Most birth mothers are bright and hard working.  They would keep their baby if they could.  Our birth mother is no different.  She is intelligent, hard working and determined.  She also has a deep appreciation of the arts and music which made us love her even more. She made us fall in love with her.  The meeting went well. After hugs and explanations of excitement from us all, Gary and I got into our car to make the 20 minute drive back to our hotel for the night.  We were elated.  We were chosen. We were deemed worthy of someone to raise their child!!!

Then, the magnitude of the situation began to set in.  The worry came back.  What if she loves us now, but after a few months of her not seeing us, she decides she wants to parent her baby? It is a risk we are willing to take. As Gary said, "After the gift she has given us, there is no way she will not be a part of our life." I used to always be afraid of an open adoption.  But, comparisons can be made.  We, as Christians, are adopted by Christ.  He doesn't want a "closed adoption". He wants an Open Adoption with His children.

After falling in love with our birth mother, we feel a great desire to raise this baby in a way that is pleasing to God.  We have been CHOSEN not only by our BIRTH MOTHER, but by God.  He knew this baby would be born.  He knew this baby would need parents.  He knew this BIRTH MOTHER would need the influence of God more deeply in her life.  We have a great responsibility before us.

Even though we have been chosen, we are still being cautious.  This will honestly be the last time I will be able to update on specific details until we are at home with the baby.  I am not at liberty to discuss details openly.

Nothing but Corn and Windmill in Indiana
But, we know it is all in God's hands.  We are going to spend our time praying and trusting He has a plan and that this is it for us.  We are going to focus on finishing the nursery. (As in previous post, Dr. Seuss is probably out). Who knows what it will end up being? It is a work in process : )

We are also going to be doing some more fundraising.  We were aware of the costs when we went into this, but there are costs that we couldn't plan for such as traveling and interstate fees.  Lawyers are expensive as well.  But, we are going to keep pressing on because we want a child in our life.  We also kind of ran out of time to apply for grants.  There are still some we could apply for, but the wait is long and the paperwork is longer.

If this child is meant to be our child to raise, it will be.  If our Birth mother chooses in the end to raise her child, then it will be.  We are hoping and praying that we will soon know the joy that comes from hearing the sounds of a baby in our home.  She does have the choice in the end and will have up to three days after the birth to decide for sure.  So, we are asking for many prayers sent up to Heaven and that God's PERFECT will be done.

Please also pray for our BIRTH MOTHER.  There can be no greater loss than seeing a baby you carried for 9 months be carried away from the hospital someone else.  As much as my heart aches to hold a baby of my own, I know my happiness will cause someone else's pain.  Please keep her in your prayers. Prayers for safety, health and peace of mind.

Long overdue updates

Well, Gary and I have certainly been busy this summer and it has been a long time since either of us had time to update our blog.

Our summer began with working on our Home Study for our adoption.  We got all of the paperwork completed and had a whirlwind of interviews. It was completed in mid June.

Gary and I decided that as soon as our Home Study was completed that we would begin to apply for grants.  We had done our research and new that we couldn't apply for grants until our home study was completed or until we were connected with a birth mother.  We had waited so long already, we felt we had a little time to apply for grants.

Of course, our summer was a whirlwind of activity!! June with my sister and my mom visiting and then Mama Peggy, Stacey, Ryan and Anna visiting. Then, June was over.

Black Hat 2012 Conference @ Caesars Palace 
In comes July, we wanted to take a break and get away.  Gary had training in Vegas for work so I decided to go along to get to know the "other wives" that were married to the other guys on Gary's team.  I was glad I went.  I had a hard time at first relaxing because everything was still on my mind, but I needed (we both needed) to relax a little and rejuvenate for the next leg of our journey.  I began to enjoy myself - the pool at Caesar's Palace was wonderful!!

Little did we know that our journey was about to take a turn --fast.  On the third day of Gary's classes and my relaxing, we got a phone call.  I was walking across the busy street seeing some sights of Vegas and Gary was in class.  It was his lunch time and he got a phone call.  It was Sue, our adoption coordinator.  She told us we were CHOSEN by a birth mother.  I immediately began to cry and the only thing I could say to Gary was, "What?" I was so happy, but a new flood of emotions came in.  Worry was at the top of the list.

So, with the end of July came a new part of our journey.  We began to prepare.  Our first preparation was to make a whirlwind trip to Chicago.  We DROVE!! Gary saw it as a ROAD TRIP and was excited to see a part of the country we had never seen.  I saw 14 hours in the car.

Awesome Chicago Deep Dish Pizza!

See the next post for details.....