Monday, August 20, 2012

Roller Coaster Emotions

When we faced infertility, we were heart broken. Those were some of the hardest days of our life.  We knew God was in control the entire time, though.  He was in control when our doctors said we had "textbook" embryos and they couldn't tell us why the IVF didn't work.  He was in control the day I cried and couldn't stop.  I was mourning what I never had and that was the greatest loss to us.  He was in control when we made the decision to move on to adoption as an option.  He is still in control today even when our emotions get the best of us.

Turn the page to today and we are on another roller coaster of emotions.  We were chosen by a BIRTH MOTHER as of July.  We were officially chosen by OUR BIRTH MOTHER last week.  We made the long car ride to Chicago to meet with her.  I felt I would be so nervous and emotional that I would blow it.  But, our meeting went very well.  We fell in love with her.  She fell in love with us.  It felt like we were on a job interview and we were being told our job qualifications.  After all, there is a tiny life at stake here.  We want to raise a child that God will smile down upon and see goodness.

Most people would think (wrongly) that women who put their babies/children up for adoption are young and inexperienced.  While that may be true of some, it is not the norm.  Most birth mothers are bright and hard working.  They would keep their baby if they could.  Our birth mother is no different.  She is intelligent, hard working and determined.  She also has a deep appreciation of the arts and music which made us love her even more. She made us fall in love with her.  The meeting went well. After hugs and explanations of excitement from us all, Gary and I got into our car to make the 20 minute drive back to our hotel for the night.  We were elated.  We were chosen. We were deemed worthy of someone to raise their child!!!

Then, the magnitude of the situation began to set in.  The worry came back.  What if she loves us now, but after a few months of her not seeing us, she decides she wants to parent her baby? It is a risk we are willing to take. As Gary said, "After the gift she has given us, there is no way she will not be a part of our life." I used to always be afraid of an open adoption.  But, comparisons can be made.  We, as Christians, are adopted by Christ.  He doesn't want a "closed adoption". He wants an Open Adoption with His children.

After falling in love with our birth mother, we feel a great desire to raise this baby in a way that is pleasing to God.  We have been CHOSEN not only by our BIRTH MOTHER, but by God.  He knew this baby would be born.  He knew this baby would need parents.  He knew this BIRTH MOTHER would need the influence of God more deeply in her life.  We have a great responsibility before us.

Even though we have been chosen, we are still being cautious.  This will honestly be the last time I will be able to update on specific details until we are at home with the baby.  I am not at liberty to discuss details openly.

Nothing but Corn and Windmill in Indiana
But, we know it is all in God's hands.  We are going to spend our time praying and trusting He has a plan and that this is it for us.  We are going to focus on finishing the nursery. (As in previous post, Dr. Seuss is probably out). Who knows what it will end up being? It is a work in process : )

We are also going to be doing some more fundraising.  We were aware of the costs when we went into this, but there are costs that we couldn't plan for such as traveling and interstate fees.  Lawyers are expensive as well.  But, we are going to keep pressing on because we want a child in our life.  We also kind of ran out of time to apply for grants.  There are still some we could apply for, but the wait is long and the paperwork is longer.

If this child is meant to be our child to raise, it will be.  If our Birth mother chooses in the end to raise her child, then it will be.  We are hoping and praying that we will soon know the joy that comes from hearing the sounds of a baby in our home.  She does have the choice in the end and will have up to three days after the birth to decide for sure.  So, we are asking for many prayers sent up to Heaven and that God's PERFECT will be done.

Please also pray for our BIRTH MOTHER.  There can be no greater loss than seeing a baby you carried for 9 months be carried away from the hospital someone else.  As much as my heart aches to hold a baby of my own, I know my happiness will cause someone else's pain.  Please keep her in your prayers. Prayers for safety, health and peace of mind.

1 comment:

  1. What a journey you two are on! Thank you for sharing. Prayers being lifted up for you, the birth mother, and the baby. "Who can thwart the plans of God?" (I LOVE THIS VERSE!!!)