After all the craziness we gone thru in early part of 2011 - We were done. The Dr. cannot find anything wrong with us and our life do not seem to be going anywhere. My parents have always suggested acupuncture, we really don't have much to lose at that time. So we decided to give it a try, we were able to find a great acupuncturist in town. We went to see her and she was really optimistic about our problem and believe she can help us. We went to see her weekly and took different types of herbal medicine along with the treatment. We begin to feeling better, we start to have more energy everyday. We know Chinese medicine take time, that's one thing is different than western medicine. Three months gone by, even the Dr. has problem understand why we could not get pregnant. She keep saying it should have worked by now... really. That's not really comforting for you to doubt the treatment. It is easy for you to say it is not working. I am the one who is paying for it. Only thing that for certain is we both feel great. We have not felt like that in a long time, may be our body did get better without us knowing it. Maybe we should give infertility treatment one more try with our body feeling better!!!
At the same time, I was lucky enough to land a new job in town. It was closer to home and I was able to spend more time with Anna. The best part is the new insurance covered part of the infertility treatment. Maybe that's our sign that we should give it a try again. Therefore, we decided to go see a different Dr. Surely we can't go back to the same Dr. that told me "I don't know!" Once again, the new Dr. was optimistic. She looks at our previous records, and instantly points out a few things she would have done differently. She also point out since Anna have PCOS, the whole treatment should have been done differently. Finally, someone told us something is wrong. Anyway, she believe that we should try IUI again since the insurance is covering it. She also wanted Anna start taking Metformin and Letrozole for the treatment. What really worries me is the side effect attached to Letrozole. This is a medicine designed for breast cancer patients and the reason to use that drug is one of the side effect is to help infertility treatment. Again, even with the risk, we keep telling ourself it will be worth it in the end.
The only difference about this time is that both of our body feel great and some of the test number proving it as well. As you can guess, it didn't work. After all the pain we went thru in 2011. We were numb about it. We were sad but it is not an uncharted feeling for us. It can't be anything worse than how we feel several months back... :(
That was March 2012 when we fail the last IUI. I cannot have us go thru the same feeling over and over again. Like it or not, a wall will build up within you that try to block you from all feeling. It is a self defense mechanism inside you. It also create distance between us. Talk about the stress on the marriage and financially, I am glad we did have a great foundation for our marriage. It is selfish of me to have us keep going. Did part of me want us to keep going thru treatments? Sure! There is always hope that one of those treatments will work. But at what cost? All the side effect listed in each one of the drugs are not makeup from nothing. Should I want to chance that? NO. Even Anna's body is taking toll from all the treatment. Easy for me to say to keep going, I don't have to go thru all the things physically like she does. At the end, we have each other. I cannot even imagine the idea of losing her because I am being selfish.
I am a Christian. My faith allowed me to go thru all this difficulties in 2011. Did I question the big man upstairs? Yes! I did it all the time. As the scripture said: "...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Maybe my faith is smaller than a mustard seed. It is not a easy task to follow Christ daily when you gone thru what we had the last year. I know many of you out there have a much harder situation then we do. I am not discounting the fact that we are blessed in many ways, I have a wonderful/ beautiful wife to go home to everyday. We have a roof over our head, a great job and three meals a day without problem. I never say I was perfect. It is just a natural progression in life want to move forward in life.
One thing for certain, we both love children and we both know we will become parents one day. God is faithful. He will not place a desire in your heart without He fulfill his promise. At this point, it seem the only way for us to grow our family is thru adoption. It is my desire that I will have a heart big enough to love other children like my own. A newborn is the greatest blessing one can give another person. We look forward to share this Journey with each one of you.
Our God is awesome. You will never know what He has in store for our life, but we are looking forward to it.
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