Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Our marriage

Gary and I are very blessed to have a strong relationship built on our common faith in God and our open communication as well as our love that grew from a deep friendship. With that being said, that strong bond did shake some when we began to face infertility. Infertility takes a toll on your marriage for sure. You want answers, you don't want to blame each other. No matter how much love you have for each other, though, the devil brings those horrible thoughts to your mind. Thoughts such as, "Would we have been better off had we married other people?" "Have we done something against God that we are being punished for?" "Did we not follow His perfect will for our life by being together?"

Then come the other thoughts about infertility directly. You go to visit after visit to the doctor and both of you take tons of tests. After each test you find youself thinking, "I hope it's not me." You also find yourself thinking,"I hope it's not him." You don't want the problem to be with yourself because you don't want to face the pain that you will possibly never be a mother. That is after all what we are put on earth for, right? You don't want it to be your spouse either because guys are supposed to be tough and supposed to fix things. If he can't fix it, I might lose the husband I married because of his bitterness with the situation.

These are thoughts you never speak out loud unless it is a really tough day and you say things you regret and end up having to apologize to each other and just cry together.

A whole new set of issues arises when the doctors can't find anything wrong at all. Nothing that can be fixed, nothing you can take a magic pill for.

Gary and I found ourself distancing from each other. I cried - a lot. He had moments where he wouldn't talk about our issues and was distant from me. We went through these stages at different times. He would read his Bible and pray every morning while sitting on the floor in what would eventually be our nursury. He pleaded with me to read my Bible and trust God. That was the only way we would get through this. I was angry at God- how could I talk to Him? He was in charge. He could FIX this situation anytime He was ready. The problem was that I wasn't ready for Him to fix anything. Then, when I refused to trust God, Gary began to go down too. We quit going to church because it was too painful. I cried uncontrollably during every service because I knew God was calling out to me to come back to Him and trust Him and I wasn't ready. I didn't want people to see me in a vulnerable state. Gary didn't want to go to church because he felt he was trusting God and God wasn't doing anything. He prayed and read his Bible every morning after all. We also NEVER went to church on Mother's Day. That was the most difficult day of the entire year. Having to stay seated when other mother's stood for recognition.

Then came the fertility treatments. In the beginning, you want to do anything to get pregnant. The hormones made me CRAZY and Gary and I were always arguing. Any little thing would set me off and he didn't know how to handle my mood swings. But, after a failed treatment, we would discuss it and keep going. It got to the point where I wasn't willing to keep going. I was so emotionally and physically drained and I was getting depressed. But, becasue I wanted to please Gary and he wanted to keep going - I kept going. For the sake of our future family, of course I'll keep going if you want to. But, finally Gary saw what was happening to me. He agreed to stop treatments as well. This was our turning point.

We came together for healing and to get back to where our marriage began. We had broken down over the years and everything and every single decision had been based on whether or not we would get pregnant. We were way too focused on growing our family instead of being focused on each other. That is when we finally came to the realization that even if we never had children, we had each other. That was already the best thing God had done in our lives- we loved each other so much and weren't willing to lose that.

Some of the things that helped us through this journey included friends, God and songs. God brought to me the story of Hannah from the Bible who waited and waited on God. She came to God and cried out loudly in her pain to God because she yearned for a child so much. God heard her cry and her pain and gave her a son. Songs such as "Hold my Heart" by Tenth Avenue North and "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless became our theme songs. It seemed that everytime I turned on the radio those songs were there to remind me that God was in control.

We have since become more focused on listening to God's calling in our lives. Our marriage is stronger than ever and our happiness is returning. I now feel I can move forward and not make every decision based on the "IFS" in our life. It is a freeing feeling to just let go of the control and let God handle EVERYTHING". We can't wait to see where He leads.

12 comments:

  1. Wow! Can I share that from someone on the outside we don't know how to help either. We wonder, "Should I ask? Will that only make it worse? Or do they really need someone to know and to talk to?" I'd love to hear your perspective on what you feel would or is most helpful. I have other friends who I suspect are going through this and I never know what to say.

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    1. Rebekah- It is very difficult for me to even give you something to say to someone going through what we have. It is like any other problem a couple may face. I think for us, we came to a point where anything anyone said hurt because we were angry at being in the situation. But, Gary and I had to both come to a place where we were open to sharing with other people. It came to be too much of a burden to bear between the two of us. I came to this point a lot earlier than Gary and I shared with friends. Gary was a lot more hesitant to share. If you have friends who are going through infertility, it is a very private battle. You just really need to let them know you are there for them if they want to talk. When they feel comfortable, they will share with you if they trust you enough to open up to you. I have a very good situation because Gary and I are both Christians. When he was up, I was down and he held me. And, vise versa. If your friends are not Christians, this journey may be even more difficult.

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    2. Another blogger started following Gary and I. She actually had this on her blog from a doctor here in Atlanta. I thought it was very good. It talks about how to respond and interact with a couple facing infertility.

      http://www.ivf.com/lettermb.html#

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  2. I was moved to tears several times while reading this, stopping to get myself together because of relating your pain with my own.

    I can see your faith being lived out. I can see how God is bringing comfort to you and remembering the verse that says "you will comfort them the way I (God) has comforted you".

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    1. You are a very strong woman Bonnie. I have known that about you since we met. I was very happy to have spent this weekend with you to see that again. You are in our prayers.

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  3. "That is when we finally came to the realization that even if we never had children, we had each other. That was already the best thing God had done in our lives- we loved each other so much and weren't willing to lose that."

    This i what we came to when we faced this issue. I know this feeling well.

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  4. Hey Anna and Gary,
    Wow I was truly moved while reading your blog. The courage that it takes to share intimate details of your relationship with others is very admirable. I know this will not only help others couples dealing with infertility but also serve as a lesson on faith. You two are a wonderful couple and God has you both in his hands. When we met in Jamaica it was clear that God was the foundation of your relationship and believe it or not that really served as an example for Dennis and I just starting out our marriage. God bless you both in all the decisions you make and thanks again for sharing.

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    1. Thank you Alana. We found it refreshing to spend time with you guys as well. We could tell you were Christ followers when we met you. Bless you in your marriage and your life together as you grow. Remember the tough times are only there to draw you closer to each other if you let them.

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  5. A link to your blog popped up on my facebook page (from a friend commenting on it, I think?) and, being a blogger myself and loving blogs, I decided to take a peek. All I can say is wow, so beautiful and inspiring. I have endometriosis, but was lucky enough to get pregnant and have our first baby in October. Whether it's through adoption or on your own, I can tell you that having a baby is worth it all. I wish you both all the best. As a chiropractor, I also have to ask if that is something you've tried. There are no guarantees (of course), but it has helped many women become pregnant. Just a thought :)

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    1. Hi Kristen! Thanks for reading. Congratulations on your little one!! They are such a blessing. My mom had endometriosis as well as my sister. I am a four years of trying baby : ) I have seen a chiropractor as well as an acupuncturist. I need to start seeing them both again- I really felt great then. Even if I don't ever get pregnant naturally, I do know the benefits. Thanks for reading. This blogging is new to me so I need to figure out how to show which blogs I follow.

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